So last week at my therapy appointment we talked a little bit about my miscarriage and how it's still in my mind quite often. He really wants me to work on 'burying' my child so I can move on with my life. One of my fears, I think, is that if I 'bury' my baby that I will also bury it's memory. I don't want to forget my poor, innocent child. I am reading on things to do though. So I'm going to try and do some of them at least. I really want to name my baby, make a little keepsake box that holds things to remember it by, as well as get some sort of jewelry that I can wear to keep their memory.
It's been really hard lately, because it's almost been 2 years since my miscarriage, yet I haven't gotten pregnant again. It makes me really sad to think about. I feel this huge need for another baby and it just leaves me feeling empty and numb inside. I love Leila, I love her with all my heart. I could never imagine my life without her. I just don't feel like our family is complete yet, and I have this longing for another baby. I've had all kinds of tests done and they all came back normal. You would think that this would be good news and make me worry less. But it actually makes me more nervous for not knowing WHY I'm not pregnant. I'm left wondering what am I doing wrong, has my ED effected me in such a way that I no longer can get pregnant. Did my miscarriage do something to my body? I'm just left with even more questions then I had before all the testing was done. I was hoping to find out something was wrong but was treatable. Get the treatment and get pregnant. But that's not the case..apparently my reproductive system is perfectly healthy, yet I have no child to prove that. It just makes things even harder to deal with.
My mind is constantly running, always asking myself a million questions a day. All dealing with babies...the questions are either about what I did wrong that led to my miscarriage or what I'm doing wrong that I can't get pregnant. I just feel like a total failure in life. Not only have I failed out of school, failed at pretty much every job, fail at being a good house wife...I'm also a failure to what should be a natural process of getting pregnant and giving birth to a healthy, live baby.
I really need to work on myself some how...I just don't know where to start. I'm just a complete mess, and that pretty much sums it up.
I don't really have a lot of time left to work through things with my therapist..I'll prbly get to see him 3-4 times more and that's it. And really, I think he's given up on me, just like everyone else who's worked with me has. I'm like the non-curable case that everyone just wants to shove aside and not deal with me any longer
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