So I'm kind of in this place where I know I'm slipping back..and my ED is gaining more control of my mind once again. Yet no one else has been noticing. Everyone has been looking at my progress of not purging...which I have been doing well with. I made it 59 days without purging. It would've been 60, but I messed up today and ruined that record. Anywho...if they only were able to look into my mind they would see things such as this: 'yea, I stopped purging...only because I hate doing it and it wasn't working fast enough for weight lose...so restriction and exercise has taken it's place since I know they work.' Basically my eating disorder has gone from anorexia to anorexia with bulimic tendencies to bulimia/anorexia(switching on and off) to now...back to anorexia. Along with that comes being able to play the part of 'recovery'...so everyone seems to think that I'm doing GREAT...because I've done so well with not purging. The main reasons I have stopped that though are because of my stupid ED thoughts of how purging isn't helping me one bit in regards to my weight. It may help a bit...but not quickly. So yea...that's my thinking as it stands for now...guess I'm just not sure if I'm happy that I can hide more easily now...or if I'm scared that no one can see as easily anymore

I obviously haven't written anything in quite some time. Guess I just haven't had much to say. Things are sometimes complicated for me, at least in my head they seem complicated. The main thing that I ALWAYS have trouble with is society....sometimes I just absolutely can't stand it! Is that wrong? If it is, well I guess I'm in the wrong. It just kills me so to be out in this world...I try so hard (usually subconsciously) to hide away from it. I don't watch much t.v., I hardly go out, I'm pretty much always in the house..I don't know..I just try so hard not to let it hurt me. I'm finding that's pretty much not possible though. Here's my ideal world, that I wouldn't mind going out in:
everyone would dress modestly; there would be no nudity or sexual content in movies, t.v. shows or any other media source; guys wouldn't gawk at every so called 'hot' girl they see; a guy's mind would never wonder to places it shouldn't; women wouldn't be judged as just 'objects' ...etc etc...
is there really anything wrong with wanting all that? Wouldn't you want to live in a world like that?? There must be something wrong with my view, because everyone else seems to think that this world isn't screwed up and they actually LIKE it!!!!!
Sometimes I think I just might as well give up...because it seems to me that the evil in our world FAR FAR FAR FAR out weighs the good :-/