Life in 2012

Alright, so yet again, I have failed to keep up with this blog. One of these days, I'll keep up with it..

Anyway, so we have moved and things are quite a bit different. I don't see any doctors, whatsoever. Which I guess is a good and bad thing, depending on how you look at it. But whichever it may be, there's no possible way for me to see anyone, because insurance will not cover me for those things, since they are pre-existing stuff.

So yea, I am on my own with recovery and have yet to figure it out. Right now, just kind of going with the motions. Have yet to figure it all out. Still trying to balance just everything in life, which also proves very difficult.

A possible start

So last week at my therapy appointment we talked a little bit about my miscarriage and how it's still in my mind quite often. He really wants me to work on 'burying' my child so I can move on with my life. One of my fears, I think, is that if I 'bury' my baby that I will also bury it's memory. I don't want to forget my poor, innocent child. I am reading on things to do though. So I'm going to try and do some of them at least. I really want to name my baby, make a little keepsake box that holds things to remember it by, as well as get some sort of jewelry that I can wear to keep their memory.

It's been really hard lately, because it's almost been 2 years since my miscarriage, yet I haven't gotten pregnant again. It makes me really sad to think about. I feel this huge need for another baby and it just leaves me feeling empty and numb inside. I love Leila, I love her with all my heart. I could never imagine my life without her. I just don't feel like our family is complete yet, and I have this longing for another baby. I've had all kinds of tests done and they all came back normal. You would think that this would be good news and make me worry less. But it actually makes me more nervous for not knowing WHY I'm not pregnant. I'm left wondering what am I doing wrong, has my ED effected me in such a way that I no longer can get pregnant. Did my miscarriage do something to my body? I'm just left with even more questions then I had before all the testing was done. I was hoping to find out something was wrong but was treatable. Get the treatment and get pregnant. But that's not the case..apparently my reproductive system is perfectly healthy, yet I have no child to prove that. It just makes things even harder to deal with.

My mind is constantly running, always asking myself a million questions a day. All dealing with babies...the questions are either about what I did wrong that led to my miscarriage or what I'm doing wrong that I can't get pregnant. I just feel like a total failure in life. Not only have I failed out of school, failed at pretty much every job, fail at being a good house wife...I'm also a failure to what should be a natural process of getting pregnant and giving birth to a healthy, live baby.
I really need to work on myself some how...I just don't know where to start. I'm just a complete mess, and that pretty much sums it up.

I don't really have a lot of time left to work through things with my therapist..I'll prbly get to see him 3-4 times more and that's it. And really, I think he's given up on me, just like everyone else who's worked with me has. I'm like the non-curable case that everyone just wants to shove aside and not deal with me any longer

Whew, it's been quite some time since my last post..almost a whole year!! Way too long! A lot has happened since that time. I went back to the hospital after I found out I was pregnant. A month later was released and we were headed out to move to our next base. During that trip I ended up having a miscarriage, which still plays a vital role on my life today. That miscarriage has caused so much grief, even more then I could've imagined.

It's actually quite funny, not funny haha, but funny ironic. Throughout my time in the hospital I was scared, excited, angry, frustrated and thankful all at the same time. I'm sure there are other emotions mixed in there as well, there were just so many it's hard to identify all the specific ones. I, of course, was excited to bring a new life into this world. To find a new purpose, one that was to give my life and all I had to this child that was growing inside of me. But there was a HUGE conflict raging within my mind.

My eating disorder was sooo mad and angry, it was fighting with ALL it had against feeding myself AND a child. ED had me convinced that my life was over because of this pregnancy. That my eating disorder never had a chance to fully grow first. I was giving my life to this new creation when I hadn't devoted fully to ED first. ED was MAD as hell.

So I fought on...fighting a battle that seemed like no one could ever win. But in the end, ED one that battle...I had a miscarriage...that life was now gone :/ That's when I realized all that I had lost...You know the saying, you never know what you have until you've lost it. Yea, well it's completely TRUE!! My mind has become so enraged that I could ever have any sort of hatred to that innocent, child....and now it's gone...never knowing if it was a boy or a girl...never knowing what it's name would've been..nothing. A big part of me wanted so bad to give it a name, but it seemed as though that was going to make it harder on Jesse. So, my nameless, wonderful child...I'm so sorry you didn't have a chance to breathe the air of this world. To feel the ground beneath your feet..that is no longer possible for you. But you live in a much better place...a MUCH, MUCH better place than this world could ever be.

Today, I still fight these thoughts that I need to get worse...more focused on my eating disorder. It wants me to put everything I have into it. It's getting so hard to fight back. I HAVE to fight back though, I don't have a choice. Everything is dependent on how I do...unfortunately. If I get too bad it will be horrible for Jesse's career. First off he'd be sent back from overseas...then they would make us move right away to a place that has more of an eating disorder support system. Things would most likely backfire for the adoption, which will be taking place in a couple months. Everything would just be RUINED...and it'd be all MY fault. So some how I HAVE to get through this...I HAVE to find a way to be able to accept my body...to get to a point that I can get to where I won't go into a frantic frenzy of emotions.

Right now...I am no where near being able to cope with my weight...I am more so now then I was a month a go...That's only because I've lost some weight though. There's no way I'd EVER be able to accept that weight I was at...the size clothes I had to wear....just horrid...I wanted to die. Which to some probably seems way to harsh a statement, but it's true. I was going into a mental melt down every time I had to get dressed...so horrid and awful. I'm trying to get to a weight where I'm more comfortable...but I'm not sure if that exists or not. I know the weight where I'm more likely to be able to. The trouble is finding a way to maintain that weight without requiring me to keep my eating disorder...that is the extremely hard part. There has to be a way though...just got to find it.

So I'm kind of in this place where I know I'm slipping back..and my ED is gaining more control of my mind once again. Yet no one else has been noticing. Everyone has been looking at my progress of not purging...which I have been doing well with. I made it 59 days without purging. It would've been 60, but I messed up today and ruined that record. Anywho...if they only were able to look into my mind they would see things such as this: 'yea, I stopped purging...only because I hate doing it and it wasn't working fast enough for weight lose...so restriction and exercise has taken it's place since I know they work.' Basically my eating disorder has gone from anorexia to anorexia with bulimic tendencies to bulimia/anorexia(switching on and off) to now...back to anorexia. Along with that comes being able to play the part of 'recovery'...so everyone seems to think that I'm doing GREAT...because I've done so well with not purging. The main reasons I have stopped that though are because of my stupid ED thoughts of how purging isn't helping me one bit in regards to my weight. It may help a bit...but not quickly. So yea...that's my thinking as it stands for now...guess I'm just not sure if I'm happy that I can hide more easily now...or if I'm scared that no one can see as easily anymore

I obviously haven't written anything in quite some time. Guess I just haven't had much to say. Things are sometimes complicated for me, at least in my head they seem complicated. The main thing that I ALWAYS have trouble with is society....sometimes I just absolutely can't stand it! Is that wrong? If it is, well I guess I'm in the wrong. It just kills me so to be out in this world...I try so hard (usually subconsciously) to hide away from it. I don't watch much t.v., I hardly go out, I'm pretty much always in the house..I don't know..I just try so hard not to let it hurt me. I'm finding that's pretty much not possible though. Here's my ideal world, that I wouldn't mind going out in:
everyone would dress modestly; there would be no nudity or sexual content in movies, t.v. shows or any other media source; guys wouldn't gawk at every so called 'hot' girl they see; a guy's mind would never wonder to places it shouldn't; women wouldn't be judged as just 'objects' ...etc etc...
is there really anything wrong with wanting all that? Wouldn't you want to live in a world like that?? There must be something wrong with my view, because everyone else seems to think that this world isn't screwed up and they actually LIKE it!!!!!
Sometimes I think I just might as well give up...because it seems to me that the evil in our world FAR FAR FAR FAR out weighs the good :-/

So it's been quite a few months since I've last posted.
In 2 days I shall be heading off to GA, in a way I am excited since I get to see family and see my baby niece for the first time. Then again, I'm nervous and scared, this is the first time I've ever been away from my husband..and it's going to be a whole week. I know that probably doesn't sound like a long time, but it definitely feels like it when you've never even been away from someone you love for even a day. Then what makes it worse is that I could be leaving for one to who knows how many months while I'm in inpatient. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go, but I know I need to.
Anywho, I may write more later, for now that's enough